I re-read The Courage to be Disliked recently and wanted to share some of the amazing insights I learned from it. The book is about a conversation between a philosopher and a youth, based on similar style texts written by Plato about dialogues with Socrates. The philosopher is a follower of the psychology of Alfred Adler, who is the least well known of the three giants of psychology; Freud, Jung and Adler.
The dialogue takes place over five nights and each night the youth challenges the philosopher on his claims, starting with the claim that life is simple and the world is simple. Some of the claims are counterintuitive and seem outrageous at first, but the philosopher carefully explains each point.
Here is a summary of the concepts which I found most interesting.
We are free to choose our behaviour
Society tends to think of cause and effect when it comes to behaviour. Aetiology describes this cause and effect where behaviour is attributed to past events, especially with respect to trauma. For example this boy is a shut-in who does not leave his room due to the treatment he received from his parents. On the other hand, Alfred Adler advocates the theory of teleology, which instead considers the goal someone is trying to achieve with their behaviour. For example, this boy is a shut-in because he wants on some level to be that way, because he can gain attention from his parents or punish them for their past treatment. You might wonder, why would someone want to be a shut-in, but Adler’s psychology is a psychology of courage. So, for example, it’s also easier for the boy to be a shut-in and continue behaving as he has done. He needs courage to break out of his situation.
For me this is a fascinating idea because it’s contrary to what is widely believed (i.e. aetiology), and also hugely empowering. I think this idea alone makes reading the book worthwhile!
All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems
All problems are sooner or later problems of relationships with other people, for example if we consider theoretically living without contact with other humans, we see a lot of issues would vanish. For example, feelings of inferiority only make sense within the context of other people. These feelings are subjective i.e. they exist because we perceive some inferiority compared to other people. Feelings of inferiority may not always be a bad thing, they may cause us to strive to improve. However, if we develop an inferiority complex, these feelings become problematic.
This is, of course, quite a bold claim to say that all problems relate to interpersonal relationships, but I think there is a lot of truth in this. Certainly, if we look at the problems of a regular person in a developed country a lot of problems fall in this category.
It’s Important to Separate your Tasks from Mine
Since all (or many) problems relate to the relationship between two people, it’s important to consider what Adler calls life tasks. These exist in several core areas such as family, friends & romantic relationships. When we think about these it’s vital to consider the separation of tasks in any situation, so to be clear on which part of a task or tasks should be the responsibility of each person. For example, it’s the task of a child to do their homework. Nothing good will arise if the parent does the homework for the child. In fact the parent is taking the task away from the child whose responsibility it is, so the child will not learn and can’t take responsibility for their task. A key point is to discard the tasks of others’ because we will feel a huge burden doing tasks which others should be responsible for.
Here it’s relevant to think about the desire for recognition from others, which is very common. According to Adlerian psychology it is important to reject this as much as possible, because recognising you is a task for other people. Here a good analogy is leading a horse to water. We can strive for others to recognise us in the same way we lead the horse to water, but we cannot make others recognise us as we cannot make the horse drink. If we lead a life seeking recognition from others we will eventually end up living a life which is shackled to the desires of others.
The Goal of Interpersonal Relations is Community Feeling
Here Adler makes a very broad definition of community, which encompasses school, workplace, nation, or in fact any other living being. Adler believes that the goal of interpersonal relations is to develop community feeling. This is an interesting point because it feels like one’s goal is dependent on others, but it is the task of the individual to develop this feeling. In Adler’s approach the individual’s responsibility is to develop the feeling of contributing to others, regardless of how it is perceived by others. The philosopher and the youth go on to discuss horizontal relationships i.e. those where both parties feel on an equal footing. Adler advocates the approach of neither rebuking nor praising other people. Consider an adult praising a child for performing a task. Implicitly the adult is saying that they have a better measure of what is ‘good’ than the child. Conversely if the adult rebukes the child the same thing is implied. So this behaviour encourages vertical relationships. Instead of praising or rebuking Adler advocates encouragement. Consider the same example of a child performing a task, but the adult says ‘thanks’ to the child afterwards like they would to a friend. This conveys that the adult sees the child on an equal footing, and will also help the child to gain in confidence more than rebuke or praise. Hopefully it’s clear that this kind of approach will encourage community feeling. As a side note the term ‘community feeling’ is a translation of the German Gemeinschaftsgefühl, which is why it sounds a bit strange in English.
This borders on the purpose of life question, but I think I can subscribe to the idea that we can derive happiness through the feeling of contribution. This goes back to the philosopher’s original point that life is simple and anyone has the power to achieve happiness if they wish.
Live in the Present
The are some interesting points made on this topic. The philosopher starts by explaining that excessive self-consciousness stifles the self. To avoid this he outlines three things we need:
- Self-acceptance
- Confidence in others
- Contribution to others
The idea is that if we can achieve all of these then we will be able to live freely. The philosopher goes on to explain that life is a series of moments. We tend to think of life as a continuous line, but if we look closely enough at any drawn line we will see it’s composed of small dots. The greatest life-lie is to spend time thinking about the future or the past. Instead we should shine a light on the present and live in the moment.Workaholism is also highlighted as a life-lie. Focussing on only one aspect, i.e. career to the exclusion of other aspects in Adlerian psychology is another way of avoiding tasks.
One point that I really like is the courage to be normal. We see a lot of people striving to be special in some way. The philosopher points out that we can see this in children striving to be especially good or bad. It takes courage to accept that our lives can be normal. This is explained well in the book.
I really like the concept of living in the present, which is the central message of mindfulness. This relates to the earlier concept of teleology too, so when we focus on the present we focus on exactly the point in time where we are able to make choices. Incidentally I would really recommend 10% Happier by Dan Harris as a way to find out about mindfulness in a really accessible format.
Summary
I hope you found some of those ideas as interesting as I did. Most of the topics above are both controversial on the surface but extremely valuable once you understand them properly. As with any ideas in the realm of psychology and self-development it’s good to apply a degree of skepticism and realise that they are one possibly framework to look at the world, but I think Adlerian psychology is one framework which for many people would be really beneficial and for some completely life-changing.